'Intellectualization'

I had been staring, throughout, at the reflection of a person who never existed; and to me, that same person lived like a god inside of me, showing its reflections each time I would stare into the mirror and try to find my true self somewhere in there.
This 'intellect', that gives me the importance that I have in so many people's eyes, I still don't really know if it's a blessing or a curse. Even if it IS a gift, like I've been made to believe and have actually had faith in all my life, I've yet to prove it as a gift to myself, let alone the world. Many of us, who are born with the innate ability to feel more sensitized to our existence and our surroundings than many of those around us, maybe take this trait of ours for granted. We set out to change the world, and we could'nt even begin with ourselves!
Probably, in the cases of people like myself, we take our intellect for granted. We somehow made ourselves stick to the notion at a subconscious level that this 'gift' would serve us well as a security blanket or a scapegoat, helping us to rationalize each wrong of ours and to get away with it. But this rationalization stands on no grounds. Deep inside, the conscience DOES hurt, and yet we 'intellectualize' the guilt into softer words and more lenient value and belief systems.
But still, the harsh punishments we give to ourselves for these personal sins eventually, victimize nobody else, but us ourselves. For each time I do myself wrong, I know something sure is not right; and yet, I choose to drown it into the quicksand inside the utopia that exists in my mind as my comfort zone. But inspite of all these flights of wishful illusions, I know every time I intellectualize my ugliness into something beautiful, I'm only killing myself a little more.